Last week, I went to an audition. It was for "Rendezvous", my company's cultural event. I am a guitarist. But unfortunately, I did not give the audition at all, inspite of waiting for my turn, for about three hours.

I am surprised to find how frightened i still am, of the stage. I just came back, without even attempting to persuade that lady to listen to my performance. I agree there was not much purpose to my visit left. They dont encourage bands. And so it happened that i was left with the option of playing as a solo guitarist, and instrumentalists would be called on availability basis. But still, where is my self-esteem. And self-confidence. And self-respect. whatever you may call it. I stood there for about three hours and then came back looking stupid. I could have given a performance, just for the waiting that i underwent.

I am surprised, that even though I tried so hard to push myself, to go and do it; to take the plunge just once, something inside pulled me back. It was like a chain, binding my soul to "go quietly into that good night". I have thought over it. It seems to me that I am pertified by the thought that they are going to judge me.

Yes. I have to admit. I am afraid of rejection. I feel like i am waging a war never to be won.

I am trying.